I saw my father cry

On a sunny evening as I was leaving work, I received a call from my dad. I thought he was just calling to say hello, like he always does. We talked as I walked to Jinja road to get a taxi to Kireka.

While I stood by the roadside to cross the road, I saw his car parked on the other side of the road. I thought it was just a similar car, only to see him wave at me.

I could not believe that I was actually seeing him, because he had not informed me about his visit. And here he was, waiting for me.

This was like a day dream, since we had talked the previous night, and he never told me about his plans to travel from Kasese.

When I asked him what he was doing there, he said; “I came to see you and I was willing to wait until you finish your work, so we can go and have supper together.”

I got into the car and he drove. We chatted along the way and it was just about home, mom and my little brother and sister. He gave me a piece of gonja, which he had bought from Mega standard supermarket.

We then started talking about how Gonja is now sold in supermarkets. Little did I know that the day would end into a serious talk of sorts?

So when we got to the pork joint in Namugongo, we ordered for our meal and drinks. He took his usual drink, Tusker malt and I took Stoney.

He sipped on his drink as he told me about his journey, and then he paused and said… “Clare I want you to first finish your Degree and then the rest can follow.”

“You see the other day I attended a workshop and I shared a hotel room with a colleague who told me of how he had been having an affair with a campus girl.” My dad narrated.

“The man is married and he told me about how this young girl actually believes that the two will get married. I could not believe what I was hearing from this man, I actually called a friend,” he added as a tear rolled down his cheek.

He was disheartened by his friend’s behavior and all he thought about was his little princess Clare.

“Our workshop ended yesterday, and I thought I should come and pay you a visit because my heart could not settle until I saw you,” he said.

I could not believe I was having this kind of conversation with my dad, since we never talk about such issues. But I realized that while we out there in the world, our parents are having sleepless nights thinking about us.

He could not hold back his tears, and I could see it in his eyes that he was concerned and worried about me.

“When my friend me about their affair, I could not help but cry. I thought about you the whole night and I could not sleep at all. And I said, is this what you people do when we let you live as individuals?” he recalled.

But I told him to keep calm, because I love him to the moon and back.

One think I learn't for sure that is that while am at school playing games, my parents are not sleeping but thinking about how am surviving in in the big world.

How I wish and pray that my fellow girls and the boys out there should appreciate their parents, because those people sacrifice a fortune to keep you placed somewhere in the world.

FUMBLING HEART

Cursed from the realm of harmony

Our childhood seemed a hard escape from the lions den.

Blankets of gunshots embraced the skies of our loneliness

Ripping our hearts apart like an endangered voyage

Our teary dark origin where death owned our loved ones,

Threatens our hope to grow

And defines a smile

Like a hill far across the fierce rivers.

Our home is hell take us with you

Smile with us our tears will dry

Give us some bread our fears will go

Give us a home where you think we are safer

Far from this nest of dry blood

Give us a hand to school like the city child

Show us the earth that is as calm as the sky

Fill our cup with the wisdom of hope

That we can learn to save our generations to come,

Give us a bed for a slumber of peace

Reveal to us that God who can heal our pain

Silence these fumbling hearts

And make us whole again.

We parted by the sound of death

They took east as we dashed to the north

We separated with the hope to unite someday

Now that the gun is just in memories

Fill for us this maze

That we might reunite with those that make us whole.

Rude within their hearts

Evil commanding their ego

They burnt our homes,

And our sweet belongings where gulped

By the evil mouth of fire

Find us work,

We promise to labor and make that, that we shall call our own.

I peep through your windows,

I see blankets kept without a rib to warm in the night,

I need only a piece, to shield my neck and feet

Tomorrow when God tells you share,

Bring me a piece on the streets, I’ll be waiting.

We shifted to the city outskirts

Mama died of hunger yesterday

Daddy needs a pill for malaria

Tomorrow he might be dead.

My health can be your wealth

Show me a kit of medication.

We are out in the ghettos

Infested by the habits of a juveniles life

We need to share life with the angels

So our darkness will dissolve in the light.

We are weak but can be strong

We are out on the streets, in the dirty ghettos,

In the diseased camps,

We are the hearts stretching out to get a saving chance.

Truly fumbling hearts!

At eleven years, my mother took me to the “bush” in her bedroom

While I was in my bedroom preparing for my first day at school, my mother held my right arm and took me to her bedroom. This was mother’s way of punishing us while we were kids.

Scared, my heart started to beat faster than ever, for I thought I had done something wrong, little did I know that she was taking me for some “maturity” classes.

“Clare you are growing old and there are certain things you need to know about your body,” she started.  

I nodded in agreement. “Soon your breasts will grow bigger, and at some point, you will start to bleed through your private parts. That bleeding is called menstruation and it happens to every girl, every month, as soon as they reach puberty.”

I could not believe what was coming out of this seemingly tough woman. I had always seen her counseling girls from her school, and this time round it was me. So I paid attention till the end.

“Your body will become curvy, and men will start admiring you. Please my dear little angel; do not listen to any of those men. Do not laugh with them anyhow. Look at them as dangerous wild animals,” she said. And indeed, I grew up knowing that all men are wolves that could kill me if they got the chance.

So I asked her, “but mom, why are you telling me all this?” And she said that I would appreciate as soon as I got to school.

Sure she was right!

While my mother was busy teaching me how to use sanitary pads and being careful with my life; some other parents were teaching their vulnerable daughters about how best they can satisfy men.

I reached school, and on the first day in the dormitory, these little girls were discussing the dos and don’ts in a marital bed.

Pretending like I was not bothered about what these girls were talking about, I continued to organize my luggage around my bed.

They went on and talked, and the most intriguing was when one of them raised the issue of pulling the labia. Apparently, she was in serious pain, because her mother had done it to her the night before she came to school.

Inquisitively, I asked what they meant, and they all looked at me like I a naïve baby who did not know anything. That is when one of them told me to pull down my pants, so she can see how I looked down there.

I refused and told that my mother only taught me how to use sanitary pads, and did not do any bad touches to my private parts.

Of course since I was the only sheep among cattle, I was considered a villager.

To date, my memory of that day still rings in my mind, like a fresh wound. Why on earth would a parent decide to take her little infant to the bush to talk about sexual satisfaction with a man?

I think these girls are too young to know about certain things. Why would you late your infant grow up knowing that she is a sex object? I still cannot find the answer to these questions.

Parents should wait a little longer, before they can start telling their little ones about these things. A girl at the age of eleven, should be thinking about playing netball with her friends, or going swimming, not satisfying a man sexually.

That is outright wrong. That is the reason we continue to have unwanted pregnancies among juveniles.

By the way, because of the attitude my mother instilled in me, I never dated until I was in my second year at campus. To be continued…

Extreme authority could make your teenager dull

Back in the time of dictatorial parenting, obedience was the priority. Parents expected their children to obey and follow their orders. Times have changed; the twenty first century teenager is somewhat different from one who grew up in the 90s.

Unlike in the 90s when parents and teachers in schools were seen as small gods, here, you notice your teenage daughter or son answer your questions with a sullen “Yes” or “No.”

You like to escort your child to school, but he begins to reject that and wants to travel to school of their own.

Gorreti Mbabazi, a single mother is the kind that wants to control her daughter’s movement. She drove her daughter to school at the beginning of every term, and was always in time to pick her up from school at the end of the term.

However, when her daughter turned 14, in senior two, she started throwing tantrums and would reject whenever Mbabazi offered to take her to school.

“She asked if she could go to school on her own, but being a tough woman, I did not want her to mess up along the way, so I insisted on driving her to school. This affected our relationship,” Mbabazi says.

Mbabazi did not only reject her daughter’s plea, but also started monitoring her movements.

“I would shout at her whenever she delayed at her friends’ place,” Mbabazi says.

All of a sudden, her daughter’s academic performance begun to deteriorate.

“She used to be among the best ten in her class, but when she returned from her first term in senior two, she was number thirty,” she says.

When Mbabazi contacted the school authority’s about her daughter’s performance, she was told that her daughter had joined a group of girls who do not attend class, but rather spend most of their time gossiping.

Mbabazi’s daughter is not alone, Keneth Kamurali, a 16 year old is bothered by his mother’s autocratic control.

“My mother still looks at me like a five year old and wants to control my every move. She will not let me stay with my friends for long. While at she, she calls my teachers to find out how am fairing,” Kamurali says.

Habits that teenagers develop while at school

Sr. Gladys Kachope, the Head Teacher, Immaculate Heart Girl’s Secondary School says students especially those in senior two tend to be problematic.

“They begin to engage in habits like gossiping, fighting, disrespecting their teachers, among others,” Kachope says.

She says the school organizes retreats every term and themes are chosen according to the situation and the behaviors among the students.

“During these retreats, students meet professional counselors as well as religious leaders, who counsel and guide them to follow the right path,” she says.

Conversely, Augustine Muserero, the Head Teacher of Kilembe Mines Secondary school, says that it being a day mixed school, students tend to engage in more dangerous habits such as betting, escaping from school, and some of them dodge lessons.

“We usually do not have control over students after they have left school in the evening and some of them end up engaging in bad habits,” he says.

Muserero says that students who escape from school are suspended from school and told to return with their parents for a counseling session.

“In other cases, we punish these students with labour for example cleaning the school compound, and slashing,” he says.

How well can a parents deal with their teenagers’ new behaviors

Prof. Paul Nyende a Psychologist at Makerere University says that it is natural and important for children to break away from their parents, during adolescence.

“This emotional separation enables them to become adults. When teenagers reach adolescence, they begin to explore, want to be independent, and increase their freedom and confidence in handling their lives,” Nyende says.

Nyende says that when children reach this stage, they may not want their parents to escort them to school, a sign most parents tend to overlook and want to exert too much pressure and control.

He advises parents to give teens a chance to establish their own identity, because too much control could cause a rebellion, saying that giving them more independence is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world.

“Parents should avoid the use of too much force and expression of control, but should rather maintain friendship with their children,” he says, adding that being with friends with their children helps them to open up about the changes going on around them.

He however emphasizes that parents set reasonable rules and values about behavior.

“Do not negotiate over rules that have been set, and punish the children with love and explain to the children as to why they are being punished,” Nyende says.

Nyende says that at this stage, children also begin to explore the sexual world, and tend to relate with members of the opposite sex.

“They usually start with group dates and later begin to pair up. The best is for the parents to educate and inform the children about the dangers that could arise from such relationships,” he says.

Dr. Eugene Kinyanda, a Psychiatrist, says that if children needs for independence are ignored at home, their performance at school could be affected.

“Teachers must provide support and inquire into the behavior of the child. Try to dig out what the problem is and encourage them to talk about how they feel and why they feel that way,” he says.

He encourages teachers to coordinate with the parents about the child’s behavior, because the problem might be caused by the way they are treated at home.

“Academic achievement could be affected, if the cause the problem or bad behavior is family related,” Kinyanda says, adding that such problems lead to depression, frustration, causing loss of interest in academic achievement.

In cases where the child is not attended to, Nyende says they tend to look for solace from their peers, some of whom could be bad influence.

He advises teachers to avoid rushing to push these children, but rather engage them in healthy talks and career guidance.

Research shows that teenagers are at increased risk of poor mental health, antisocial behavior and risk taking behavior such as substance abuse.

This might be because of stronger emotional responses in adolescence, changes in motivation or difficulties in balancing emotions and behavior.

These activities can affect your child’s health later in life and can have long term effects. If you feel that your child’s behavior is more than just teenage moodiness, speak to them about your concerns.

Succumbing to unhealthy pregnancy cravings could harm your child

When Scovia Nyangoma was two months pregnant, she craved clay soil (locally called bumba). Whenever she went to work, she carried clay that she used to buy from the streets or market. “Do you remember that feeling when you are really thirsty and you need to take water? That is how it feels. Unless you sleep and forget, you will try to get that soil at all costs, even if you have to scratch a piece off a wall,” Nyangoma says.

Nyangoma says she did not find any problem with waking up in the night to look for soil. “I would at times put it next to my bed, as I went to sleep,” she recalls.

One of the perks of being pregnant is the silent rule that should you crave ice cream at 3am or even pork at 6am, you shall fulfill your heart’s, or rather your belly’s, desire. After all, when else can a women legitimately indulge in sugary, fattening, and essentially unhealthy luxuries?

It’s just the body responding to changing nutritional needs during pregnancy, or so the argument goes. Unfortunately, sending your husband out for a midnight snack to quell a sudden urge for fried food isn’t as harmless as you might think.

On the contrary, a study presented at the recent 95th Annual Meeting of The Endocrine Society in San Fransisco, found that being exposed to a high-fat diet while in the womb, and after birth, can permanently alter brain cells that control food consumption and lead to a propensity for over-eating and an increased preference for fatty and sugary foods.

Juliana Gastao Franco and her team of researchers at the Oregon Health and Science University also found that the offspring of maternal monkeys fed a high-fat diet had increased body weight, and particularly increased body fat compared to offspring of female monkeys that were kept on a low-fed diet.

Interestingly, pregnancy cravings can sometimes be switched on or off by the craver herself. When Faith discovered she was pregnant as a student at university, she was scared of disappointing her parents.

“While I had horrible spells of nausea the whole day at campus, whenever I went home on weekends I would not throw up once, to avoid detection. The moment I stepped out of the gates, I would retch my guts out,” she remembers.

What causes pregnancy cravings?

Godfrey Alia, a gynecologist at Mulago Hospital, says that although it is a condition, sometimes pregnancy cravings are psychological.

Susan Murungi is eight months pregnant and during her first trimester, she could not do without ice cream and burgers. However, because she was gaining too much weight, her gynecologist advised her to diet.

“She told me I had to let go of the ice cream and the burgers or it would be difficult for me to lose the baby fat after birth. And because I do not want to be fat after birth, I told myself I would not take any more ice cream and I don’t,” Murungi says.

However, much as some cravings are psychological, Alia says cravings are a result of hormonal changes or lack of a certain nutrient in the body.

“Cravings may be the first indicator that there is a hormonal change in the body, signaling pregnancy,” he says. A condition he describes as Pica.

Pica or craving is the body’s attempt to obtain vitamins or minerals that are missing through normal food consumption. Pica is Latin for magpie, a bird notorious for eating almost anything.

The American Dietetics Society, on the other hand, links pica to a lack of iron in a pregnant woman.

More than three quarters, about 60%-70% of all pregnant women experience pica at some point. The most common cravings are for sweets, dairy products and salty foods, although there are also some weird cravings.

Alia says cravings can be nutritionally-based. “Cravings are a message from your body on what it needs to eat. If you are craving salty foods, it could be because your body needs more sodium as your blood volume increases. If you are craving fruit, your body might need more Vitamin C,” he says.

Some pregnant women develop strong cravings for non-food items like dirt, ashes, clay, chalk, ice, laundry starch, baking soda, soap, toothpaste, paint chips, plaster, wax, hair, coffee grinds and even cigarette butts.

The harm

Eating non-food substances is potentially harmful to both the mother and baby. Non-food substances may interfere with the nutrient absorption of healthy food substances and actually cause a deficiency.

“Pica cravings are also a concern because non-food items may contain toxic or parasitic ingredients,” Alia says.

He says when one eats soil, there is an immediate danger of exposure to worms which affect the absorption and metabolism of nutrients by the fetus.

Alia says although there is some amount of iron in the soil, it is not good for human consumption. The iron in the soil is not easily absorbed as that from meat and vegetables.

Nutrition for expectant mothers

Alia advises pregnant mothers to avoid alcohol and other alcoholic drinks during pregnancy, as these could harm the child’s growth and development.

“The embryo is weak, and its liver can't handle alcohol the way a mother's can,” he says.

He urges expectant mothers to visit their doctors very often, so as to know the right food to eat at each stage, during their pregnancy.

“A healthy diet includes proteins, carbohydrates, fats, vitamins, minerals, and plenty of water. Eating a variety of foods in the proportions indicated by the doctor is a good step toward staying healthy,” he says.

Regardless of whether or not you have cravings, expectant women should remember that they are eating for two. Alia says that means striving for a balanced diet – not doubling the amount of food one eats.

Handouts will create more beggars than jobs

The phrase “Give a man fish, he’ll eat for a day; teach him how to fish, and he’ll eat for a life time,” coined by Anne Isabella Ritchie, the daughter of William Makepeace Thackeray in 1885 creates awareness and spreads the good news of hard work. If Uganda picked a leaf from the phrase, maybe we would have less beggars on the streets, in homes and in offices.

From taking pigs to parliament, to mourning at the independence monument for jobs. The youth have devised all sorts of means to cry out to the government for jobs. It is very likely that the way the way and the rate at which the government if giving handouts to the youth has turned Uganda into a beggars entity where people have to wait on the government for opportunities.

Come to think of it; there is no way a normal person will wake up one morning and decide to paint pigs yellow and sneak them into parliament premises, or decide to light a fire at the independence monument, claiming that they jobless. My 80 year old grandmother never went to school but was able to educate her eight sons and 4 daughters without begging for money from any one. How did she do this?

Everyone has an obligation to work. The idea of giving handouts to the youth is hitting a dead-end. Why should you give someone money before you can see what they have to offer? The bible in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 condemns laziness, saying that “whoever does not work, should not be allowed to eat.” By giving handouts and money to the youth, the government is creating a lazy I do not care attitude among the youth.

The number of beggars on the streets, school drop outs are increasing by day. This kind of attitude has been made intense by the fact that the government has always been ready to support the youth by giving them money to startup businesses. It is not a bad idea to give the youth money, but the way it is disbursed to the youth is an issue. You cannot give money to people in sucks and expect them to respect you, or rather to work hard. This creates a lazy attitude towards and work, creating a poor economy.

A 2013 report by Action Aid Internal in Uganda revealed that 62% of the youth are unemployed and that the high unemployment rate by the youth posed a threat to the being of the society. This is a fact that we all must understand, as the youth account for the largest percent of the country’s population. Much as the unemployment rate is to some extent due to the disconnection between the degree achieved and the vocational skills needed for the jobs that are in demand for workers, I would rather attribute it to the rates at which the government continuously gives the youth freebies. Why not let them struggle on their own and learn to fend for themselves?

The fact that handouts are given to the youth, the also have got a tendency to have negative views on certain jobs. For example, one would rather stay home and depend on their parents than do a job that requires manual work. This is because the youth today have been taught to have everything on a silver Plata that to work hard to gain their own wealth.

For instance someone grows up in a family where a 15 year old is a car as a birthday present; what kind of future does such a child have to hope for after her parents have passed on. Without he parents a child such as that one cannot do much for herself, since her parents have trained her to think that she has to receive everything from her elders without working so hard to get them.

Until such attitudes are erased from the younger generation, there will never be a tangible relationship between hard work and achievement in the minds of the youth today. Majority are living lives where they have to beg everything, hopefully, they will not beg to live.

The African development indicators 2012/13 estimated youth unemployment in Uganda at 83%, and this has geared several demonstrations, a sign that Uganda is sitting on the unemployment crisis.

It is very hard for me to disagree with Robert Kabushenga’s idea he raised during the Pakasa Forum this year that youth need more of vocational training than handouts that cannot be sustained. As he addressed the audience at the forum, Kabushenga said that unemployment is capable to turning the youth into marauding thugs ready to attack the haves of our society for cash and property.

Walk into a lecture room in any university and ask a final year student of any course, ask them about their future plans and majority will tell about how they will organize their brown envelopes and get them ready for applications in different offices. The concept of job creation is very rare in many students’ dictionaries. Hardly do they know that they have to be creative enough to learn to earn their own living without being under the control of a boss. Why not be your own boss?

Why should we lead a walk of shame, sit and cross our hands as wait for freebies from the government and yet God endowed us with two arms, two legs and a brain to think!